Lists (post 99)

Things I've Learned:

1) I have a better-than-average memory for faces. Sometimes this is creepy.
2) Most of the people around me function in Fahrenheit. I should learn it, because I can't convert to Celsius in my head.
3) Some of the food I eat is easily perceived by Rosette as "communist food" (millet, buckwheat)...but it's really good when you want a quick warm meal.
4) People with a low level of awareness are much more annoying and a lot more common than people with bad intentions.
5) probably a lot of other things. I feel like a list should have at least 5 items. or 3, but not 4.

Dreams I've had:

1) I was running away from a red haired lady, she wanted to kill me. Then I started learning to fly and I had to save a little kid because he was prophesied to save all of humanity at some point. And then she started helping me-she had wanted to kill me because I was magical and she was trying to settle down and have a normal life and I was impeding her ability to do so with my impending flying potential. We had to create a whole fake reality bus to kill off the bad-guys. It was a lot of mind simulation, thankfully most of the bad-guys were pretty dumb. We simulated a whole bunch of fake ones to trick the real ones into getting on the bus so that they would be out of our way while we saved the kid.

2) My family and I were on mars. Everything was red-since it's the red planet, and it was warm but if you went off to far to one side it would be really cold or really hot (since it doesn't spin). There was also life on it-red trees, tulips with red stems, giant black and white butterflies with bold geometric patterns on their wings, giant red trees with red leaves-a whole forest. We moved very very slowly because of our space suites. And then we got back into the ship and landed back on earth, but it was night there, so everything was dim and the space station (that looked like a train station). When I woke up I was shocked by the fact that there was green in the world, it took me a while to adjust (and then I went and took my calc exam).

3) Japanese ambient noise, bike, rails (I have no idea, this is all I wrote down after I had it)
the next four where stress dreams. clearly.

4) My mother and I where in an elevator when she suddenly got murdered by a group of soldiers, who used the sharp ends of their bayonet guns. And then this gnome was walking through an Alice-in-Wonderland door and shrink, and then he would come out and be his normal size again. It was a psychological test but I just wanted someone to care about the fact that my mother died, but no one did. I very offhandedly mentioned "well, my mother died today" and then stomped away, and then felt guilty for acting so immature & bitter & passive aggressive.

5) My family came and visited me in my dorm, but it wasn't at Bard, and it was a brothel, and I gave my youngest brother cocaine.

6) Mama and I were where trying to track down a couple of serial killers that murdered pre-teen children by drowning them in waterfalls. We kept failing to stop them, driving up right and trying to fight them off and failing.

7) I was a mass of arms, forming and collapsing back into the center. I was trying to form into one arm, one entity, but was failing. I couldn't see or anything, and I existed in an empty space.

8) I was on an port to get on a boat to an island owned by one of my friends' family. There where a lot of old people there and this guy with a guitar. We snuck onto the boat and then slinked around the island-there was a house that had everything (store, bowling alley, fancy kitchen).

9)I have lots of snippets as well-a dream with a waterfall and little people, but the dream kept repeating-one time I was really genuinely happy, another time I was waiting for the waterfall to kill me, another I was upset but covering it up. A different dream where I was flying behind these large buildings made out of glass. Another where I was whispering to Yulka behind (literally, right behind) someones back, saying that "this is the first time in a while we've had a normal conversation! I'm freaking out!"

10) probably others. I think I'll try to write them up more regularly in full. I dream a lot.

Movies I've seen that I haven't previously mentioned (in the order that I watched them):

1) Rashomon (eng sub)
2) The Wedding Crashers
3) half of Knocked Up
4) Ugly Swans (ru)
5) The Band's Visit (eng sub)
6) Johnny English
7) A Touch of Evil
8) half of Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives (eng sub)

J.D.

re-watched Heathers with my parents. And of course went off to diagnose J.D., because that's what I tried to do last time too. Is Veronica right? Is he a psychopath (except that that term is apparently not in use).
All of the dsm is being re-done right now (is anyone else excited to see the dsm5?)
antisocial personality disorder:

There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest

(2) deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure

(3) impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

(4) irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

(5) reckless disregard for safety of self or others

(6) consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations

(7) lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from

there is debate about the clumping antisocial personality disorder and psychopathology (i.e. prison population v.s. psychopaths, which should yield very dif. numbers and not be quite as related). the test for psychopathology is as follows (Robert Hare):

Factor 1: Personality "Aggressive narcissism"

• Glibness/superficial charm
• Grandiose sense of self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Cunning/manipulative
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Shallow affect (genuine emotion is short-lived and egocentric)
• Callous/lack of empathy
• Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Factor 2: Case history "Socially deviant lifestyle".

• Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
• Parasitic lifestyle
• Poor behavioral control
• Lack of realistic long-term goals
• Impulsivity
• Irresponsibility
• Juvenile delinquency
• Early behavior problems
• Revocation of conditional release

Traits not correlated with either factor

• Promiscuous sexual behavior
• Many short-term marital relationships
• Criminal versatility
• Acquired behavioural sociopathy/sociological conditioning (Item 21: a newly identified trait i.e. a person relying on sociological strategies and tricks to deceive)

So I don't know who's right, of course-the dsm or Hare, though for some reason (perhaps because I have grown up with the concept of psycho/socio pathology) I'm leaning towards agreeing with Hare, the antisocial personality disorder seems too broad, and doesn't including that creepy factor of charm ect. either way, psychopathy isn't really something I can wrap my mind around. I understand the feeling of control that an eating disorder may give, or the hopelessness of depression, but lack of empathy? How does that work? I mean, I guess it makes sense that one wouldn't be able to imagine it (it's ironic though, not being able to imagine not being able to imagine other people's feelings).
Though that doesn't seem to fit J.D. fully either way. I guess he doesn't have to have a diagnosis, he isn't real.

Paint Dance

Back from a party at Eloosha's. I took the 5:32 train in, because it was the one that arrived the closest to 8 (when people where actually invited). He wasn't home yet, but another kid who came back from college with him was (he lives in Mississippi and is going back to New Haven take a summer class....so going home didn't make sense).
I came in and started cleaning, because apparently that's what I do? Eloosha's parents and sister are in Europe right now, so I loaded the dishwasher and cleaned of the table and...yeah. The Mississippi kid tried helping but didn't know what to do and I didn't want to boss him around and it was wonderfully awkward.
Cleaning was so worth the reaction. Eloosha entered through the back door, took a couple steps. Stopped in his tracks, started looking around, and had a 'why is clean?' expression on his face. I was trying not to break out laughing on the couch.
Eventually Eloosha's hs friends came. For a bit it was just me...and like, 5 guys I've met twice before but don't know. So. Awkward. I just sat silently eating chips. Thankfully Yulka came and saved me. And then other girls that I also kinda know but who I'm less awkward with than with the boys.

I also painted about have of my parents room today (they got new tiles, now I'm repainting so that I can take their place sleeping in the basement instead of the bunked bed.)
Yulka and I invented a new 'painting the wall' dance move. too cool.

And my grandmother, youngest brother and I planted some petunias (white and pink) by the azalea.

Cinnamon and Bleach

Ося and I finished making cinnamon buns yesterday (Margaret and her little sister did too, so baking continues to stem from her.) Next time I think I should leave them in the oven more (and just generally follow instructions more-we started at 10, so instead of waiting for an hour and half for the dough to rise, I stuck it in the fridge and let it rise overnight. I think that part worked fine, actually.)




I also bleached a pair of jeans I found at the freestore. The photo is a bit misleading, the dark blue is the same, and the light parts are less intense is some parts then it seems.
I bleached them in the bathtub, but I thought it was going to work much faster, because all the instructions I found made it sound like it was super easy to leave it on for too long-which it isn't, I had to bleach them twice because the first time it barely showed up.

I finally met up with my friends- Kostya just came back from Russia yesterday, Yulka had a gymnastics competition.

Fluff and Green

Adrienne and her mother and siblings came by yesterday :) and the bigtooth aspen across from the house is going crazy.

Jobs: I'm sure many people are familiar with Craigslist, and all it's interesting listings. I found:
a) egg donor. Hey, guess what I did this summer guys? I made 7 grand selling my eggs. But totally useless in terms of career development/putting on a resume










(steal head: pan fried, served cold with wasabi, white rice, bread with lebane and chopped green onion my brother has been growing, tomatoes with a curly parsy, lemon, olive oil and salt dressing, topped with walnuts. too good)


b) 3 year full time nanny
c) Hunter-Killer
"...The income potential for 6 months of work will allow you to retire. We are literally talking of earning in excess of $5 million. (This is not a typo.)

You do not need to have a specific industry background or to have mastered any specific domain knowledge; you simply need to know how to sell. Anyone smart enough (if you're not exceptionally intelligent, please do not apply) to be hired by us will be able to learn the necessary legal and finance knowledge in a few weeks.

No doubt you are thinking, "This is too good to be true, what is the catch?" Actually, it is not too good to be true for the right individual. (For everyone else, it is a pipe dream, a total fantasy.) The individual we need is a pro-active hunter-killer, a closer, someone who can follow through, who knows how to get things done, someone who kicks ass... "

I'm sure there are a lot of other wonderful listings as well. I applied to an internship 3 min walk from Harvard Sq.

My grandmother and I gardened for a bit today-we planted a light purple azalea plant that's been standing in the plastic pot it came in since last summer. I trimmed the lilacs

And then the entire family went to Fruitland for a walk, and looked at the sculptures, even though it's not officially open yet.

Back Home!

Just sent in my last essay! got back home on Sunday. My grandmother and dad came to pick me up (grandmother visiting from Israel!)
Currently sitting on the top bunk, above my brother. I haven't lived in a bunked bed since I was 12. My Grandmother is also sleeping in the same room, but in a normal bed, obviously.

I haven't really been up to anything. I washed the ceiling in my parents bedroom. They recently put down new floor (it was a carpet, now it's tiled, I helped pick the tile over spring break.)
So now I have to paint the walls so that they can actually move back in. And then I get to move into the basement.
Most of my stuff is still in the living room, since there's not really anywhere to pack it. Some stuff I'm repacking-I don't need hangers here. I don't need a scratched up pan. I don't need bed risers.
But I will need them at college, so off they go into the suitcase, prepacked for next year.

I need to find a job.

One Ending...

Today we went to Tastebudds with Adrienne and Rosette.
The day before Margaret, Cat and I got pie at the pie shop (plum, coconut cream and lemon, respectively), and the day before that it was so warm that Rosette and I went and swam in the waterfall.

also went to the freestore today, again. two dresses, among other things...

My dad is picking me up tomorrow!
I still have one more essay due on Friday, but I can send it in my e-mail. I had my last creative nonfiction class at Celia Bland's (the professor's) house, and my last printmaking class was this Thursday (I went to the studio today for an hour and half anyway...)


recent movies: Stranger Than Fiction, and about to watch Atlantis
I remember watching it when I was like...8 maybe, I don't think I even saw all of it. I thought the main guy was cute, and I liked his hands. That's basically all I remember.

recent baked goods:
rosette and Margaret made these: chocolate m&m cookies (had so many of those Wednesday night), and thumprint cookies
and Margaret and I made coconut cupcakes with butter instead of oil and cream cheese frosting.

oh, and we did henna today (I drew with it for the first time :) )

sleep spirit.

last fysem class. then two hours at the studio. then concert (7pm call for 8pm concert, had to bike all the way back because I forgot my score at the dorm), got back at 9:30, and then at 10:30 there was an alarm at the studio (someone smoking in the bathroom?), so I didn't get to go in. Went again at 11, left at 3.
sleep? sleep.

My Gen./Hipsters (?)

This is Jack pre-PunkRockProm
his beret got nicked at the show, there were a bunch of old people there, he said, that definitely do not go here, & I think he's worn my makeup more than I have by this point in the year.

on an unrelated note:
http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html
I'm sure here are a few more articles like this out there, this one just happened to be my friend's away message.

This article kindof talks about something we discussed in creative nonfiction one class. We were workshoping this girls piece-the assignment had been to do five 'beginnings'. I had done five different beginnings to the same story, another girl had done five stories in Manhattan-and this girl was describing the beginnings of five different friendships.
But a lot of them started like this: talking, getting high, smoking, running in and out of cars, being drunk, general movement..... (standard teen things, right?)
But Celia, our professor, saw this as a representation of our generation. The moment, the constantly doing something for the sake of doing something. Because we aren't really rebelling against anything, this isn't the 60's (or 70's, or 80's, or 90's). And we all talked about how yes, from the moment we are born, it seems, our life is set. We go to middle school and get good grades so that we can get placed in good classes in high school were we try to get good grades so that we can go to a good college so that we can go out and have a good job and have a house and a family and then we have to save for retirement and we look towards a life that hasn't really been lived, just constantly looking towards the next moment. And that, because of that, we do things just to do things. And perhaps it also has to do with a dissatisfaction with reality; escapism.
Celia said that maybe our generation has a sense of fatalism because of 9/11 and the war, so nothing matters (cue in the apathy and the drugs).
But also, it might be a certain layer that I'm talking about (mostly white middle class that otherwise has no real claim to be 'interesting' http://theredgill.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/hipsters/ --> this article also talks about gender roles, authenticity, middle class whiteness, and sense that there are no means to make the change that should be made, electronic communication...)

I don't know if I agree, but still, it's interesting to think about what 'my generation' is, how it will be looked at in the future, how it's viewed now...and also I live in an isolated pocket of a college, so um...I don't really know about the general public right now. it's terrible.

pizza 319

Security guard walks in to a room at the RKC were Hannah and I are working, helping a girl look for her wallet, tells her that it's probably good idea to cancel her card and then

"Go ahead 319, talk"

"Well, if I were you 319, I wouldn’t even talk, you are the last person on this planet that would even..." (door closes)

also we made about 8 or 9 pizzas in the last two days, from scratch, partially because Jeff's birthday is the only one that doesn't land on the school calendar, so he was complaining about it.

The Sparrows played at Blithewood today, and I really liked it. I don't usually like folk, but I think that live it is quite enjoyable :).

Tree with Heads

printmaking is becoming more of an intellectual endeavor for some reason. and overly personal.

I'm making an etching trees with hand holding head.
Andrew (Mockler): where did you get this image
Me: one of my friends had a dream with trees with heads in it, and I decided to have the trees have arms because I had a dream with that.
Andrew: what was the tone of the dream?
Me: desperate? confused?
Andrew: what do trees usually symbolize?
Me: being lost. Also suicide, in the Inferno, the suicides are trees.
Andrew: really?...
Me: yea...in one of the levels, not too deep, they are trees because they didn't have control in life and so they don't ha control in death.

and also all of my prints have a cat wanting a fish that is held by some...unearthly thing, so he was asking about that as well.
and we on to talk about little red riding hood and hansel and gretel and he tells me that I should make prints of the Inferno (and how I'm young and therefore have plenty of time to do that), and look at Durer's print of Adam and Eve and Blakes prints of the Inferno.

Bio is PunkRock?

two days ago
Jeff: Margaret, if you had dough, what would you do with it?
Margaret: Dough?
yeah, dough
like cooking dough?
yeah, like the kind you make stuff with
I don't know, probably cinnamon buns?
would you need cinnamon stick and stuff for that?
I don't know, I haven't looked up a recipe yet
well, there's dough in the fridge....

so yesterday before chamber singing we made cinnamon buns, with cream-cheese frosting, they were good.

Jack was looking for me to ask what to do to look punk, because he wants to go to a punk-rock prom thing on campus. He said I was the closest person he knew to punk. I know very little about punk. Thankfully Rosette had had a punk phase and could help him.
(but I can feel flattered, he said that it's because I can pull it off/wear leather. I'm so cool, but I don't own anything spiky or studded and I don't have a mow-hawk or wear makeup or have tatoos or...)

and I re-cut Ethan's hair again (same, but shorter...one side is basically buzzed, except I did it with scissors). and before that I went to the freestore and got jeans that I plan on bleaching. and shoes. and a vest.

Class sign up was today-hell, of course. So far the only class I've been approved for is bio seminar, a one credit course that I'm taking because...I like bio. yup.

I also signed up for psych stats (mandatory to moderate), adult psychopathology, drawing I, photo 101. I want to sing again but for some reason it wasn't up on the list.

My last health psych class was today,.
And one of my pieces is being work-shopped tomorrow for creative non-fiction (this is the 2nd time this semester). so nervous.

sun setting on this year

Highlight of the day: sending Cat the text "I see you" while standing on the outside side of the window from were she works in the RKC (the science building). totally worth her facial expression.

Photos are from last Thursday, Adrienne's birthday (though it's not her in the picture, this is Cat). We went to Blithewood to watch the sun set.

Today was room draw. In the Bard system, Juniors go first, sophomores 2nd, freshman 3rd. Within each grade we get randomly assigned numbers. If you have a roommate you go by the smaller number of the two (I got 208 so we went by that). We all go to the gym and sit around and wait for our set of numbers to be called, hope the nicer rooms aren't crossed off as taken. It sucks if both you and your roommate get a bad draw though (Cat got pretty shafted...the people right behind her got put on the wait list for rooms)

Adrienne and I are going to be in Village A next year, which is 24 hour quite and alcohol free (last village dorm left), so we had to sign an extra agreement. [But those things mean nothing...Tewksbury is alcohol free too, in theory (not at all in practice), as are many others.]

It was kinda cute watching people paired off with their roommates, many people changed obviously. There were some surprises, but yeah. :)