I want Berlin

I am no longer going to the CCA Studio Berlin thing. It's just too expensive, and the payoff and worth of it is uncertain (they never did send me the syllabus, even though they said they would). There was the whole awkwardness of explaining the situation after I had already said 'I accept' and it was a fact, but is no longer. I am probably going to go to Berlin and take German and get the language requirement out of the way. I will go to clubs. I will draw in my free time. I will visit museums.  I will meet new people. I want structure. I want art. I want Berlin.

disjointed dream

I just dreamed that:

I was out on a lake with lily pads and Eloosha was rowing the boat, Yulka and some other people I don't remember pretty close by. The boat started to fill up with water and at first I tried scooping it out before I realized that the boat was bent in and I unbent it (clearly not made of wood) and there was a hippo there chasing us, and it could talk. It wasn't angry, but it was still huge and scary.
I saw Celia Bland and she said hi to me and I nearly didn't notice but managed to say hi back
Andrej and Stasic came here from Russia and were friends and tried talking to me but I was mechanical, aloof. They had already met up with Eloosha and Yulka by that point. I saw them at a cement bridge. I had not had a full conversation with either Eloosha or Andrej or Stasic, which made me upset, because I wanted those conversations.
There was magic in a castle and it was evil and wanted to kill us. Hannah hid with a baby fox she just found in a room that she locked the door with a spell. The room was high up and had large windows that looked out the the hippo lily pad pond, and the fox was getting restless, the room stuffy.
Rosette talked to Jeff because she was meeting with someone I knew in the dream, but she was afraid of getting killed by this person. There was a giant hill of grass and the train-track interaction in Waltham, the one by Brandeis. Rosette didn't talk to me but she didn't give me a painful smile either, which was a relief.
I was driving a car with Britt but then I realized I was about to go out on a highway that was in the wrong direction, and turned around right next to a police car. He stepped out and somehow at first I was really like...polite and then I got sassy and he was just exhausted and let me off.
I was talking to Papa about mouthwash, because he thought it might be causing my stomach problems. Yosef was there too.

Transition

Spring break is over, I led a very informal Passover Seder on Friday out of the book Бабушка gave me, and we had an enormous amount of food leftover afterwards.
at the end of break, Бабушка offered to set me up with a 'really nice' guy from the little hill in Israel were she lives. I guess she thinks I'm of marrying age.

I made lentil soup last night, and Adrienne had some with me, and then Amanda came over and we studied together for an exam we had today. I handed in my paper Monday, I finished the portrait of my grandmother on Saturday

I'll be halfway done with college in less than two months.

Before break I had a dream in which my body was disconnected. My ear was trying to crawl up onto my hand because all of my body was trying to get to the campsite where I was staying. It wasn't bleeding or anything. I think "I" was an eyeball, because I could see, but don't remember hearing or smelling or feeling much.

Cat Food

In the very beginning of break I went grocery shopping with my mom, and the experience in the pet food aisle was as exciting as it could be, really.

There was a middle aged man looking at sunflower seeds next to us. I was in the middle of the thought (in case anyone was wondering about what thoughts go randomly through my head, though in less complete words...)
"it's ironic that the sunflower seed farmers make sure that birds and rodents don't get their crop, but then it's sold so those same animals eat them"
when he asked how old our cat was. Mama had been staring at the cat food for a long time, trying to figure out which one to buy, where the kitten one was, why different cans say the same thing but are color coded differently (one was sliced, one was original.)
"Five moths" Mama answered, and he said
"Oh, he's a young one" both Mama and I expected advice about cat food or something
"I had a cat, he died last Christmas" he said, showing us a picture on his iphone.
"Oh, I'm sorry" I said
"He was 21"
"that's really old" I said with a sympathetic nod.
then he walked away.

then the guy who works at Hannaford suddenly stopped and said
"I didn't do it!"
"what?" I asked
"nothing" he said, his hands up in the air, the scanning machine raised like a forfeited gun
and then Mama and I moved onto the litter part of the isle
"I totally forgot they eat, why do cats need to eat at all?"
"wow, that's cold" said the guy who works at Hannaford
"no, I don't mean that about just cats. I mean that about people as well. It would be so convenient if we didn't have to eat or sleep.  That's the college student speaking in me"

we finally figured out everything to buy, and as I passed he made a gesture of 'please pass' with his hands, amused understanding look on his face. I nodded at him and went forth to do the rest of the shopping.

music medford mama money

dream for before I came home: I was being blackmailed by the Devil because he had my brother. The Devil and I were walking (flying?) inhumanly fast, but not because we were traversing distance, but rather because we were traveling through time.
(anxiety+homesickness+reading Master and Margarita (yes, I'm still reading it))


but now I'm home!


Sunday I went to my (ex-extra curricular art teacher's and friend's) son's and his teacher's singing concert, which was really good.
Monday morning I got up at 7am to go to jury duty in Medford, but nobody decided to exercise his/her right to a jury, so I just sat around reading the March New Yorker and doodling until 11.
Tuesday Mama and I had the entire theater to ourselves, we watched A Separation. And I made bread pudding out of rye bread because I'm trying to get rid of some of it for passover, plus bread pudding is yummy and one of our neighboring families liked it (Mama and I dropped by today)
Today I had a dentist appointment and found out I got into the Studio Berlin program! Now I have to start looking for money to finance the trip in earnest. Also our new neighbors began moving in.

There are two things I have to do for next week in terms of hw; one is write an essay, due Monday. The other is to draw a family member of a different age than me, due Thursday. I started drawing бабушка today, and I'm going to start the essay tomorrow. Right? John Clare and William Wordsworth, here I come.

Sima: you just said shit, that's a bad word
(I nearly died. He had given up on just telling me that what I said was a bad word and decided to point out which one was bad this time)

cuddle

So last weekend was finished off as follows:
I met up with Amanda and Lila/Lia/Liz at a party Lia's suite-mate was having.
Proportions: 20 girls and one gay guy.
We didn't stay for long.
We stopped by Kline because there was a weird speakeasy-themed party. People were dressed up: female performs in lingerie and males with tilted hats. Enough of the guests were dressed up that I felt a bit like the guy from Midnight in Paris with my modern-day-dress.
We briefly bumped into Clea and Britt, who dropped us off back in Lila's new dorm (she moved, and currently has a dingle (double used a single because only one person is living in it)
and star-gazed at the glow-in-the-dark stars on her ceiling and cuddled.
Amanda and I went back to the village around 2am.

additionally: Had breakfast with Jo yesterday, which was nice since we don't see each other often...Went to do hw with Ari's (was in her dorm in Manor for the first time)....Amanda dropped by to say goodbye last night and the night before I had a late-dinner with Andres (finally! he is elusive sometimes.) I also went to the freestore with Britt and found a pair of gray skinny jeans, after that we went to CVS to get floss, the most exciting item in the world.

drew landscapes outside for drawing when it wasn't windy. Really nice to just sit outside and draw.

We were supposed to watch Magnolia with Clea, Shivi, Armaan and Britt, but I left because it seems like a really good movie and I was just too tired to process it to the extent I want to, so I only saw the first 10 min.

leaving today at 7:30 with Jack. Still have to pack/clean my room but I have enough time.

so far

The weekend isn't even over yet but already so much seems to have happened. Excuse me as I rant, as per usual.

Thursday there was a back and forth (walking to Shivi's dorm, dropping off Britt's car by Robbins, then speeding off to Clea's off campus...and then driving back to campus to take the shuttle to The Swan. probably the least efficient way of doing all this.) Clea and Britt started the year going there every Thursday so they were trying to start it up again.
This was my first time at The Swan, its small, dark, wooden, and lively, especially since it was a Thursday night, and there were a ton of people from campus. There was live music (Bard students) which was nice, and I bumped into Kalena and Page and co. because it was Kalena's 21st birthday.
We left pretty early, at 12:30 on the shuttle from Tiv.

Next morning...gym (first time this year because I'm lazy and still scared of that place), nap, hung out with Ari for a good portion of the day. We had dinner and then stopped by Farm Fest briefly (fundraising to make a farm program at Bard or have a farm or both or something) went to Blithewood and further down to the Hudson River. It was so warm and we stayed for a while, though we left once the mosquitoes started coming out and dropped by Spruce because Anna had made food (we just had apple cider) before we parted ways.
At which point Britt dressed me up in 70's attire and I went to a film shoot that...was set in the 70's.
I think we have to shoot again after break, I'm just in the background fake dancing and talking to people and trying to pretend that there is music on. Bell bottom jeans and a vintage shirt.
Went back to...The moderation show for studio arts, which made me feel better about next semester when I will be doing the same thing. There was some really amazing stuff, a lot of diversity in the work, and a lot of people went to see it.
then...Ruger (an old toaster) and tried to watch Heathers (yes, again) with Britt and Clea but on youtube so it kind of failed, and then went to the Farm Fest, were I just watched people dance crazy and live music and guys tying and retying their towels from being in the giant inflatable pool.

and I just spent a good chunk of time talking to Amanda: it was one of those really good intense conversations, where a lot is communicated, which is why I'm putting it down as an event.