Soon after my twentieth birthday, my
thoughts started turning towards what it means to get married.
It is traditional in the US (and probably other places) that little girls think about their weddings. They play brides and bridesmaids, are chosen to be flower girls, think color schemes and flower arrangements, and deliberate about whom to invite before a groom comes into view. It's entrenched enough in culture that 30 Rock had an episode where the main female character at first doesn't want a big wedding and then realizes that, damn it, she wants to be a princess for a day. She dresses up as princess Leia from Star Wars for and they re-do her wedding. And it was funny: that yes, even the women on T.V. that are successful, funny, clumsy, and not stereotypically feminine want to follow through on at least some aspects of having an opulent ceremony; the dress or the venue or something.
It is traditional in the US (and probably other places) that little girls think about their weddings. They play brides and bridesmaids, are chosen to be flower girls, think color schemes and flower arrangements, and deliberate about whom to invite before a groom comes into view. It's entrenched enough in culture that 30 Rock had an episode where the main female character at first doesn't want a big wedding and then realizes that, damn it, she wants to be a princess for a day. She dresses up as princess Leia from Star Wars for and they re-do her wedding. And it was funny: that yes, even the women on T.V. that are successful, funny, clumsy, and not stereotypically feminine want to follow through on at least some aspects of having an opulent ceremony; the dress or the venue or something.
Somehow that fantasy did not weasel its
way into my head. The most thought I'd gotten to was "I hate
large parties and being the center of attention" and "white
doesn't suit me" and "shiny diamond rings are not my style,
and why do women get branded twice". Only after watching
Gilmore Girls did I even really find out what the hell people meant
when they talked about planning a wedding. Centerpieces, food, venue,
seating arrangements...
When I say"my thoughts
started turning towards what it means to get married" I do not
mean I started thinking about weddings. I did, however, feel myself
staring at the reality that almost all the adults I know where
married in their twenties, and most had a child or two before they
hit their 30th birthday. Some had gotten married and stayed together
from age 18. Others had decided to get married and stayed together on
their first date. My mother had me at age 25. This is not early, but
it seems very soon relative to my current age of 22. More recently, a
couple of my friends have married, in two very different ceremonies,
one involved a campfire, the other was more traditional. I did not
grow up in the type of town where my peers from highschool are
already married with kids, but some of my friends in college did. The
world around me has followed tradition.
When the boy from Tula asked me when I thought the appropriate age to get married is, I said that there are things I have more control over: my education, my career, even having kids. But that marriage depends on when I meet this person, if he even wants the ceremony, if he's ready etc. and I have don't have enough control over all this to set a time frame. Of course, some people get married when they feel ready, and it has more to do with their place in life than whom they are with. Either way, the question stands: why do people get married? What is the purpose of the ceremony?
I'm not speaking about this on a historical scale. I know that the wedding ceremony across the globe has meant different things, and was by and large influenced by politics and reproduction. Even today, the upper class seems to breed themselves in a manner that reminds me more of dogs than humans (we want to stay poodles, down with the mutts!). However, what I am talking about is marriage for love and stability. For most people, this means monogamy and/or children.
Obligation: A couple of people I
asked said simply: it's a social obligation. People expect you to get
married. The government gives couples incentive to get married.
When the boy from Tula asked me when I thought the appropriate age to get married is, I said that there are things I have more control over: my education, my career, even having kids. But that marriage depends on when I meet this person, if he even wants the ceremony, if he's ready etc. and I have don't have enough control over all this to set a time frame. Of course, some people get married when they feel ready, and it has more to do with their place in life than whom they are with. Either way, the question stands: why do people get married? What is the purpose of the ceremony?
I'm not speaking about this on a historical scale. I know that the wedding ceremony across the globe has meant different things, and was by and large influenced by politics and reproduction. Even today, the upper class seems to breed themselves in a manner that reminds me more of dogs than humans (we want to stay poodles, down with the mutts!). However, what I am talking about is marriage for love and stability. For most people, this means monogamy and/or children.
Stability: One said; helps you get through tougher patches in a relationship that otherwise would result in the end. You made your vows, you have to work harder at making the partnership work. It made me think about divorcées: they tend to get married again. They must believe in the power of it, even if it fell through once.
Flexibility: Another woman said that very few people are naturally monogamous. She added that if I ever meet such a couple of truly monogamous people, I will see that they are not the reason monogamy is so etched into our culture. And that generally, with good communication, this expectation can be worked around with my future partner.
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| photo by Brandon Stanton |
Comfort: A woman in a Humans
of New York photo said “I was engaged eight years ago, but my
fiancee died in Iraq. After that, I promised myself that I'd never be
that dependent on someone again. So after I met my husband, I fought
marriage for the longest time. But we got married in September. And
even though I was rebelling against it, and I always saw it as a
meaningless formality, I've been surprised. There's a comfort in
knowing that you're sworn to someone else."
Last Friday I went to Brookline to see Yulka and her new apartment. We had coffee and
raspberry oatmeal bars over chess and hunted for a day planner. She had
recently been at a wedding in Chicago, and she told me over sushi how she had
asked about why people have the ceremony. The person she had asked
said that some people are just so in love and want to share it, show
it, announce it. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in
health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.
Three Epithalamia
Georges Perec
On this beautiful Saturday in May
Sophie has married Michel
and Michel has married Sophie
They have married
and they are now together
like Aucassin and Nicolette
and like nut cake and honey
like hand and piano
table and chair
soup and ladle
tench and hook
science and doubt
pen and drawing
dove and millet
hospital and silence
candle and bed warmer
camomile tea and madeleine
and even couscous and chick peas
It’s a delectable morning
the sun lights up the countryside
bees are gathering honey
a butterfly delicately alights by a mimosa
sheep are bleating
in the distance bells are ringing
everything is calm and peaceful
At the very end of the little wood the vast planet begins
its lakes its oceans its steppes
its hills its plains its oases
its sand dunes
its palaces its museums its islands its ports of call
its lovely automobiles glistening in the rain
its white-bonneted Salvationists singing carols on Christmas Eve
its bowlered worthies in conference at the tabac on Place Saint
Sulpice
its mustachio’d sea captains exuding patchouli and lilac
its tennis champions hugging at the end of a match
its Indians with their calumet seated by a sandalwood totem pole
its mountain climbers attacking Popocatapetl
its eager canoeists paddling down the Mississippi
its Anabaptists mischievously nodding their heads as they discuss
the Bible
its little Balinese women dancing on cocoa plantations
its philosophers in peaked caps arguing about Condillac’s ideas
in outmoded tea rooms
its pin-up girls in bathing suits astride docile elephants
its impassive Londoners bidding a no-trump little slam
But here the sky is blue
Let’s forget the weight of the world
a bird is singing at the very top of the house
cats and dogs drowse by the fireplace
where a huge log is slowly burning up
You hear the ticking of the clock
This little poem
where only simple words have been used
words like daisy and broomstick
like lady-bird and cream sauce
like croissant and nonchalance
and not words like palimpsest, pitchblende, cumulonimbus,
decalcomania, stethoscope, machicolation, or
anticonstitutionally
has been specially composed
on the occasion of these nuptials
Let us wish Sophie and Michel
years and years of rejoicing
like the thousand years gone by
in which Philemon and Baucis
each May are born into the world
she as linden, he as oak
***
Three Epithalamia
Georges Perec
On this beautiful Saturday in May
Sophie has married Michel
and Michel has married Sophie
They have married
and they are now together
like Aucassin and Nicolette
and like nut cake and honey
like hand and piano
table and chair
soup and ladle
tench and hook
science and doubt
pen and drawing
dove and millet
hospital and silence
candle and bed warmer
camomile tea and madeleine
and even couscous and chick peas
It’s a delectable morning
the sun lights up the countryside
bees are gathering honey
a butterfly delicately alights by a mimosa
sheep are bleating
in the distance bells are ringing
everything is calm and peaceful
At the very end of the little wood the vast planet begins
its lakes its oceans its steppes
its hills its plains its oases
its sand dunes
its palaces its museums its islands its ports of call
its lovely automobiles glistening in the rain
its white-bonneted Salvationists singing carols on Christmas Eve
its bowlered worthies in conference at the tabac on Place Saint
Sulpice
its mustachio’d sea captains exuding patchouli and lilac
its tennis champions hugging at the end of a match
its Indians with their calumet seated by a sandalwood totem pole
its mountain climbers attacking Popocatapetl
its eager canoeists paddling down the Mississippi
its Anabaptists mischievously nodding their heads as they discuss
the Bible
its little Balinese women dancing on cocoa plantations
its philosophers in peaked caps arguing about Condillac’s ideas
in outmoded tea rooms
its pin-up girls in bathing suits astride docile elephants
its impassive Londoners bidding a no-trump little slam
But here the sky is blue
Let’s forget the weight of the world
a bird is singing at the very top of the house
cats and dogs drowse by the fireplace
where a huge log is slowly burning up
You hear the ticking of the clock
This little poem
where only simple words have been used
words like daisy and broomstick
like lady-bird and cream sauce
like croissant and nonchalance
and not words like palimpsest, pitchblende, cumulonimbus,
decalcomania, stethoscope, machicolation, or
anticonstitutionally
has been specially composed
on the occasion of these nuptials
Let us wish Sophie and Michel
years and years of rejoicing
like the thousand years gone by
in which Philemon and Baucis
each May are born into the world
she as linden, he as oak
