Fury

Really Rachel? Was it necessary to eat the food I made for myself to eat for breakfast tomorrow so I wouldn't have to think about it and could concentrate on writing my essay and singing for baccalaureate and packing?

You laughing at me being angry does not really make it any better.
Nor does knocking on my door and telling me that maybe I should get a refrigerator, because guess what, for most of the year I got to use my roommates' and for the last three days of school I really don't think I need to buy one, or have say, rented one while there was already one in the room. and Don't tell me you think I'm mad at Bard and not you, because actually, I'm perfectly fine with Bard right now, I'm just really really exhausted, I haven't slept properly in a while, I woke up at 6am today and just wanted to not have to think about one more thing and not eat eggs again cause I've eaten literally 6 eggs in the past two days.

I've dealt with you all year. You snapped at me once, saying that you have only been nice to me because our adviser told you to, which then you said wasn't true with and the excuse for saying that in the first place was that you were high. You mooch all the time, you are always desperate for attention, trying to talk to people when they are clearly working or busy otherwise. You do not pick up on social cues or have any tact.


It was brown rice spinach and tomato with olive oil and salt and black pepper. I was looking forward to just eating that for brunch and just fuck.

estradiol

I came to the library at 8 (now it's 20 min later), way later than I wanted to. 
because: exam, class, food, selected photos and Ari came over for tea, met with Larry Fink at 5 (I am officially going to be taking a tutorial next semester, wooo!) and then Adrienne was packing and then we said goodbye and then I realized I hadn't eaten in 5 hours, so I had to fix that.
So now I'm finally here studying for neuroscience. 
thankfully the exam isn't until 11:50, which makes me feel much better, somehow, because at least I'll get to have breakfast.

things to look forward to:
-dorm activity at 11pm, namely the consumption of breakfast food. (Kalena and I did end up making pancakes. Specifically from macadamia-nut banana pancake mix her grandmother sent her from Hawaii.)
-showering.

things not to look forward to:
-the bareness of the room now that Adrienne is gone. She said we will hang out next year. And that skype exists.
-feeling unprepared for the exam no matter what.

I haven't been procrastinating. I can't concentrate.
It's not humid or hot in here, unlike outside or in most other buildings. which is a good thing, the books aren't getting damp, but it's also cold, so I'm going back to my dorm to get a sweater.

45 minutes: to stand outside and watch people smoke, to go to my dorm and get a sweater (with Britt, she borrowed one, and rain-boots, and thick socks,) to try to explain some statistics to Justin, to sit down. 

I can't concentrate. I can't concentrate. I can't concentrate. I'm freaking out because there is so much more I need to go over, but I can't read it. 

I woke up a couple days with the word estradiol just hovering above me, definition just out of reach. 

research methods

woke up late because I stayed up until 2am talking to Hannah and Will in the common room
had brunch/tea with Eames, he left my dorm at 2pm

research methods:
need to get a good grade for the final because I did badly on the last exam
motivation is not very high because it's a mandatory and boring course


start of study time:
2:20 pm, day before exam.
resisting the urge to go back to the dorm and just get my neuro textbook, the exam for which is a day later but for which the material is harder and more interesting.
step one is to pull up the review guide the professor put up.
step two is to realize that it's thankfully not a cumulative exam
step three is to open up the textbook and start elaborating on the notes, starting...
now.
distraction one is to write here
distraction two is to text a friend and try to get her to come and join me.
distraction three is to look at postsecret.

3:20pm
done with the chapter 11, onto chapter 12.
realize I will also have to read people's prospectus's for their essays for Other Romanticisms tomorrow, not just study for the exam.
notice that I have not gotten a response to trying to extend the due date for a book that a borrowed through Illiad, which I need for my final Other Romanticisms paper. I haven't looked at the book yet, partially because I've been studying and the paper is due on the 25th, partially because I lent it to two girls in my class that are writing on the same play ("Death's Jest Book") but I have to book back...
now (at 3:30pm)
additionally I have to select out photos to present to Larry Fink, because I'm meeting with him and Lillian for a possible continuation of my photo-tutorial-ing career with a different professor.

things to look forward to include:
studying for Research Methods with a few other girls from my class.
making myself stop, wander off to South Hall, and make pancakes with Kalena (and others?) before going to bed, so that I don't study until right before bed.

4:05pm
done with chapter 12. going back to my dorm, drinking tea, eating a banana and coming back.

4:54pm
banana, bread and butter, green tea in a travel mug and it still took way longer than I wanted it to.
I talked to the girl at the library desk before I left, and she told me to just ask (beg) the lady upstairs to let me renew my book and that Illiad isn't working. I might not have to, since it's open until 3am tomorrow.
Adrienne is back from Skidmore for the 3rd time in the past month. This time for her brother's graduation. She's leaving me on Tuesday (sad empty half of the room will be staring at me until I leave on the 25th)

5:20pm
done with chapter 13.
previously contacted friend cannot come, but maybe I will see her on Tuesday.
distraction 4: tumblr

6:05pm
done with the chapter 14, done with it all.
study meet-up is probably around 7.

6:55pm
study meet up is at 7:30.
read two prospectus's
had issues printing at the library.
deep breaths. deep breaths.

7:05pm
post.

Romantic Punk Rock

5/12:
restless like the rain and recall is recall is recall...
I didn't go dancing last night but I've been wanting to. I went to the gym yesterday and the day before but it's not the same. My muscles can feel it but my gut still has a nervous energy.


Today:
I was supposed to have photo class. I've been sick, so I took photos this morning with Britt. The prof had asked for "romantic punk rock" so that's what I tried to do. But then when Lillian and I showed up, one of the girls from the previous class exited and said that it will probably run at least two hours late. So we left. I still need to write him an e-mail about that.

Also last weekend there was the surrealist circus show which was pretty cool. Very sexual more-than-semi-nacked contact dancing, fire, and nice fireworks at the end. One of the girls in my drawing class (junior studio arts major) had made these giant paper puppets that were really cool.

Watched The Breakfast Club last night with Britt and Clea and her ex. Trying to patch up my lack of American culture.
Claire is an art history major, Bender the guy who dropped out first semester freshman year, Richard never applied here, a few Brians go here and a ton of Allisons do too.
I was really annoyed at the ending. And Britt kept being annoyed at me for predicting relationships correctly at the very beginning ( this movie isn't exactly opaque) Also there was some funny use of dramatic panning.

I was talking to a guy from my lit class, who was smoking outside his dorm (which in on the way to mine.) He told me to relax, to take a nap today. I guess waves of anxiety were coming off me or something.

What else...I had my final drawing class this Thursday. I had spent 9 hours on the drawing, 5 hours the night before, listening to Moby Dick and thankfully I remembered to eat. I think it went over well. I had done some stuff I hadn't done before, plus it was an abstract piece and I don't have any experience with those either.

In Sickness

I might not be able to make it to the concert tonight. Hopefully I will feel better by rehearsal/concert time, but the amount of phlegm I've had to deal with this morning is not indicative of that.

I know it sounds silly, but I honestly did not calculate being sick into my study plans.
I promised my dad I would go to CVS today, so I guess I'll do that after I get out of class at 1:10.
I spent about one and half hours working on my final drawing yesterday and was exhausted. My back aches and my jaw hurts too, which makes me feel like an angry old lady.  So I guess after CVS I'll go and finish my drawing/painting. I've also thrown up 3 times this semester...my body is not liking me very much.


immune system, get on top of your shit! I've been exercising and sleeping, you should be working!

interment studying

Things I like: when people give me food.I don't have to many food swipes or bard bucks left. enough to get through the next week, but...
the knock on the door last night was Will dropping off a head of garlic. After coming back from class today and found about 3/4 a baguette and an onion, I'm guessing either Adrienne or Will.

Prep party simultaneously with a water balloon fight.
Watched Beetlejuice with Megan and But I'm a Cheerleader with Britt and Shame with Amanda, Lia, Lila and Hallie. After we finished watching Shame, Lia drove me and Amanda to Smog in the golfcart, it felt like a safari ride, surreal. We left Smog after staring at if for a minute, but it was worth the experience of the ride. Been going to the clay studio occasionally, Sumedah and I have both made mugs there.

Shivi left. I didn't know it was going to be hard. I mean, I assumed it would be, but...
I had been working close to Old Robbins outside and Britt came back from brunch, crying. The brunch had been spontanouse and my phone had died and I hadn't been invited. And I was thinking about how I was responding, how calm I was. And then we went to Cindy's brunch birthday part at Luna 61. Which was nice, and Cindy really appreciated it, she gave me a really nice hug later that night. But at one point I realized I might not be able to say by to Shivi and I started crying and had to leave a couple times. I called Shivi and she said she wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. We came back before she left. Or, more accurately, her aunt (with whom shes staying a day? or two? before going back to India) came and then left briefly because Shivi was still packing, and waiting for me.
I took a lot of her stuff that she was trying to get rid of, partially because I knew it would make her feel better if someone she knew took it. Disposable razors, about 50 of them, a shirt, a pan, moisturizing cream, that sort of thing.
India is so far away.

Tent Spring Fling

when Lila Amanda and I left, when half the people by the campus center where just standing, and half where under the tent still dancing, we went to smog but it was empty, and then to my room to unwind, and then I went to sleep.  It was about 2:30 but we were exhausted.

I died from the combination of sexiness and awkward boys peering across the crowd, some from the sidelines, some from the middle. Some hid by bumping up and down, cigarette raised in the air.

(side note: there the guys who where actually hot, and then there where the ones that came from behind to grind. unfortunately those were two different categories. it was still fun, the music not all dubstep for once, but stuff people could yell along to out of tune)

(side side note: I was also sober since I wanted to be able to get up easily today for emergency driving. sour breath is not something you can ignore while sober, but I danced from 11-1:30 or so, packed up against my friends, pulled and pushed by the ebb and fall of the dance, sometimes nearly falling. sweat and the sprays of water people sent from their bottles, never understood why.)

(work today and party proper tonight)

(also: just...the random group of guys making out, one of them was the more attractive of the (3? 4?) of them and they where all trying to get to him, which I thought was funny, especially since I recognized all of them. and just overall the ridiculous amount of people making out by the end, unsurprisingly. I felt good physically from dancing, but something in me felt that everything was rather futile by the time I left.)