Quitting Self-Sustained Propaganda

I made a list of things I haven’t packed yet (letter writing materials, nail scissors, German dictionary, tripod, cloths in the laundry machine...).  

Tonight is my last night home. I just kissed Shimon’s soft cheek goodnight but he’s still talking to me through the bookshelf which helps to mentally separate the room into two. He’s asking me why Yosef and I speak in English to each other so often, reprimanding us – это вообще то неправильно, and he’s right, but I care more about what Yosef has to say, and in Russian I just end up correcting his grammar every two seconds and we both get frustrated with me. 

The rest of this post is pre-start-of-academic-year ranting.

Last year I wrote “I feel like I'm freaking out more about college this year than I did last year. Which makes about as much sense as a balding monkey.” I know that I will not flunk any classes, I know that if I forget to pack something there is a post office both here and there. I am not freaking out.

In Berlin I was happy because I went to museums, which was both something I really enjoy and makes me feel accomplished, but also something not incredibly hard to do. After I had my dose of organized culture, I would go on with the rest of my day. 

Which makes me want to continue setting realistic, satisfying expectations, but I’m afraid I’ll fall back into the habit of setting ten goals as high as the moon. Quitting the habit might be hard, like it’s hard for a smoker to quit smoking at the place where he has smoked for the past eleven years. Bard is then on of the many places where I have "smoked". I’ve had the idea ingrained in me for a long time; that I should be in some pursuit of intellectuality and everything else too, and that this equates to happiness. I may now understand that that is not the case, but understanding and to act on that understanding, to make sure my entire being is on the same page with that concept…that sometimes seems almost as hard as reaching ten goals set as high as the moon.  

I will be enrolled in Painting I, Drawing II, Abnormal Child Developmental Psych, A Haunted Union; Germany and the Reunifications of Europe, Chamber Singing, a Photography Tutorial, and a Neuroscience Lab. I will continue doing Emergency Driving, I signed up to volunteer to mentor freshman, and I convinced Eames to do Argentinian Tango with me.  I also want to write and go to the clay club room and read for myself and try to at least not forget German and have a social life.  

This can go two ways, or more, but here are two. One is that I freak out from all the stress and everything I am not obligated to do goes by the wayside, and I unhappily start equating myself with school work, unhappily because I am unlikely to get straight A’s and so numerically, on paper, I will not be ‘fulfilled’. The other option is that I will structure my time well, and, in having time to myself, but not so the type of time where I just sit around hopelessly ruminating, and not doing what I want to do, just sitting there, and that when I don’t do absolutely everything perfectly I don’t let the cockroaches inside me grow by eating me, guts first.  

Note that I described both options using the negative. It is hard to separate out 'happy' as being something other than 'not unhappy'

There is this hope that I will somehow be able to ‘realize’ myself but of course that is simply the continuation of the same self-sustained propaganda. I cannot wait to become who I am. My life is now.

Wish me luck remembering that. 

breathe